Last weekend was a Fall Break for our district. The weekend began with an early release on Thursday from school. The weather was beautiful and the kids played outside all afternoon. In the evening Tiny Toes had a softball game.
Friday morning, when the kids woke up, I made them clean before they could have their Mickey Mouse waffles. I had a little church meeting at 11:15 and our house was orderly and the waffles were made in plenty of time for the meeting. (WAY TO GO KIDS!!). After the meeting, we raced down to one of our old haunts to have lunch with some dear friends...
We used to eat and relax here for hours back when life wasn't quite so complicated with school and other things. In fact, the lunch was so relaxing and enjoyable, I began thinking about my schedule... back to that in a minute.
On Saturday, my string ensemble met in a nearby town as a musical number for a Veteran's Day Celebration. I knew it was a "community event", but didn't realize what exactly it was until I got there. As we waited for our turn to play and looked at my family there to see me and the string ensemble gathered and waiting to perform, I felt my worlds colliding.... (I take violin lessons through the college, and two requirements for that is to attend a weekly Wednesday recital at noon and string ensemble classes Tuesdays and Thursdays -- right during school release. Big Daddy has really been helping out with homework, but over the weeks I've been feeling some tuggings that I should be home then, too.) ... here I was with the people I spend time with two days every week when my kids are getting out of school, pulling their homework out and really debriefing and changing gears from the school day. Suddenly, and ever so slightly, the earth moved and I felt a small shift in my priorities. 
As we were about to leave the festivities, Little Man dropped the tower off of his Republic Cruiser/Transformer/Clone Trooper. This is a small gray rectangle -- about the size of all the thousands of rocks we'd been standing on for the past couple of hours. We walked and walked with our heads trained on the ground. Little Man finally lost all composure right there in the field -- he sobbed and sobbed. I said a prayer -- for a toy -- and within 10 minutes Big Daddy had spotted it.I would have taken a picture of the joyful moment, but my batteries were dead. My batteries were dead because I haven't had time to keep my other batteries charged and it was only luck my camera was in my bag in the first place. I began to think about how all it took to fix that situation was time. Time which could have been spent elsewhere (like ordering a tasty Neapolitan across the street at In&Out), but time. I thought about how little time I've had lately. I remembered the juxtaposition of my family and my string "family" before our performance and by the time we got home, I decided something had to give and there went the ensemble.
My teacher was not very happy and was quite taken aback, but it has been rumbling around within me since the semester began. She was gracious enough to release me from all but 3 ensemble practices wherein I would only stay for 50 minutes in order to practice enough with the group to perform the Schindler's List solo later in November. Additionally, this whole week I was released from any obligation to relax and get myself back in order.
Am I relieved? Yes. Am I a little sad? Yes, but not in the way I might have imagined. Right now, I feel more of an obligation to my students to take lessons -- to keep improving myself to offer them more. Most of my sadness comes from committing to something and having to pull out -- not being able to keep everyone happy and satisfied. And yes, I know that's impossible, but I try my darndest.
I also worry about the future, too. Right now, my obligations to the college will end mid-November; however, I would like to take private lessons with my teacher outside of the college and just come play with the ensemble occasionally as many community people do, but I know she will try and keep me enrolled. She wants many things for me and thinks I'm really letting myself down by pulling back. I shutter to think of her disappointed face when the topic comes up.
I was the first violin student ever at the college -- yes the program began just last year and I had to play with the woodwind ensemble since I was the only string! So a big part of me feels an obligation to my teacher and her string program and although I KNOW the most important work I can do is within the walls of my own home, I still feel guilty.
I was the first violin student ever at the college -- yes the program began just last year and I had to play with the woodwind ensemble since I was the only string! So a big part of me feels an obligation to my teacher and her string program and although I KNOW the most important work I can do is within the walls of my own home, I still feel guilty.
Sunday and Monday were spent relaxing, cleaning and playing. It was a great weekend and going into it I never would have guessed how I would have come out of it. So thank you Jennifer, for taking the time to have lunch with us and remind me of what is really important.
